Karen Best Wright, B.S., MA, Health Educator and Wellness Coach

KAREN'S STORY

I am the mother of 8 grown biological children and grandmother to 16 biological grandchildren with twin grandbabies due May 2017. I have a B.S. in Community Health Education from the University of Utah and an M.A. in Psychology: Specialization in Health & Wellness from the University of the Rockies. I am a freelance writer as well as a Health & Wellness Educator/Coach.

I was remarried in June 2002 in Virginia. I had one 16-year-old daughter still at home and grown children who lived in various parts of the country. I had been married for 22 years and divorced from my children's father for 9 years. The man I married had been married for 16 years and divorced for 12 years. He had two sons, ages 28 and 16 who lived across the country. For the sake of his privacy I will call the man that I was married to for a few years, "John." That is not his real name.

Life looked exciting and rather simple. "John" had worked for the same company for 24 years. I had gone back to college after my divorce and earned a B.S. degree in Community Health Education. I was self-employed and worked out of my home.

Four months after getting remarried, I got a phone call. That phone call changed our lives forever. Within a few hours, we left and drove 24-hours straight through to Texas. We brought back with us 3 little girls, my granddaughters, ages 4, 2, and 2 months (The baby weighing less than 5 lbs. and on a heart monitor). After staying overnight at the hospital with the baby, to show I could take care of a premature infant, we packed up the children and within hours we were on our way home, having no idea how we were going to manage everything.

Before leaving Texas, my daughter (the children's mother) signed a notarized power of attorney authorizing us to make all needed decisions pertaining to medical and educational issues concerning the children. This was needed along with the children's birth certificates and social security cards to obtain many of the services they needed. The father was and still is incarcerated and is completely out of the picture.

The first day home, I went to social services and applied for Medicaid for the children. The baby needed to be followed by pediatric specialists as quickly as possible.  I called the schools to start the process to have the four-year-old tested for special services, and immediately called the pediatrician to schedule physicals and immunizations. I also went to the county health department to apply for WIC (Women, Infant & Children). This provided the special formula the baby needed as well as help with milk, juice, cheese, and eggs for the other two little girls. WIC is not food stamps.

At first I was embarrassed to need help and use the WIC coupons, especially if the cashier didn't know how to process them properly and a line of people formed behind me. My mind was bombarded with thoughts such as, "This is so embarrassing. I should be able to feed my own grandkids." Yes, without the help they would still have been fed, but the assistance was definitely helpful.

It took me 5 months before I would even apply for assistance with daycare. I kept thinking I should be able to handle everything. I felt that I wasn't doing very well at anything. I had a hard time keeping up with the house and chores, my home-based business, creating time with my teenage daughter, and having any type of normal relationship with "John." When I started feeling overwhelmed and down on myself for not doing better, I would stop and think, "Is there anyone at all that I personally know who could do this better than I am? I could not think of anyone. I could think of people who were more organized, more patient, healthier, and people who just seemed to have it all together. But when I stopped to actually think about how they would do if they were trying to do everything I was doing, I realized that I didn't think they would even do as well as I was. I remind myself of that often when I look at all the things I want to do and haven't figured out yet how to do them.

When we brought the children home, we did not have any extra bedrooms and we were very crowded, so the 2 little girls slept in our bedroom and we slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room with the baby next to us in a basket. Within a few months, we started an addition to our home and eventually moved into a larger home with plenty of room.

I often think of my great-grandmother and great-grandfather, Josephine and Peter Best. In the early 1900's, they raised 5 young grandchildren, the youngest an infant, after the tragic death of their son and daughter-in-law. Our own personal circumstances were not caused by death but perhaps just as stressful. Josephine and Peter were older than "John"and I were when they raised their grandchildren. They were very poor living in central Florida; but I imagine they responded as we did without hesitation when the need arose.

When our own little granddaughters had been with us for eight months, my daughter finally recognized how manipulating and abusive her husband had been. She left the state of Texas and moved to a state closer to us. Finally after much frustration on all of our parts, hurt feelings, and too much money paid in legal fees, we came to an agreement. We finalized all the legal issues in court. We agreed that my husband, daughter, and I share joint legal custody, while "John" and I had sole physical custody.

Many things have changed over the past years. In 2009, the children returned to the custody of their mother for 6 1/2 years, "John" and I divorced, I returned to school to earned my master's degree, and tried to heal from a loss I felt was unbearable. In 2013 I moved to live with my daughter and the children for one year to offer my support. During this time I wrote and published my book "I LOVE YOU FROM THE EDGES: Lessons from Raising Grandchildren." In January 2016, the two younger girls, then 13 and 15, returned into my legal custody. Currently we are a family of three - a grandmother and two teenage granddaughters.  Has this roller coaster ride of a life been difficult? You bet. Do I regret it? Never.

Comments

[maryjane]

thank you for the information.

[maryjane]

nice.

[Karen]

Sarah, I have updated my bio.

[Sarah]

Hi Karen. I was wondering if there is an update to your story?
Sarah

[HV]

This article highlights the complex issues of what happens when the parents are either not able to, or for some reason can't raise their own children. Thanks for sharing

[Lisa Grodsky]

I coordinate the OLHSA Grandparents Raising Grandchildren (kinship program and support group) in Oakland County, Michigan. We have 40 parenting grandparent participants. ....There are so many more, silently out there.... Thank you for sharing your story Karen! This topic needs to trend more often than it does!

[tina maeder]

hi my daughter signed over her legal rights and the dad to us at the birth of their child a beautiful baby girl she was 18 he was 20 they had no ins and income she wanted to be be a nurse which she did follow thru on but their history of drugs job lost hasnt changed including a break up and drinking problems with my daughter she did not want the dad in the picture anymore at all but she really hasnt been in the picture either since the child was 23months the child has always lived with us mama and papa my daughter did as she pleased the child is 7 yrs old attends school in or town piano dancing lessons after school church choir and daisies which i am the leader lol we have been the childs sole support financially ect well to let you know my daughter met a man older then her 36 he also has temper and drinking issues she is now 26 lives an hr away from her daughter and us has decided to take her daughter back a yr and a half ago court money lots to keep are grandchild in the place she calls home and has always know has been a struggle for us but in are heart we feel we are doing what is best for are granddaughter the past history of bailing are daughter out of her messes money car payments putting her in a apt after getting kicked out from her boyfriends house we have tired to keep her in are granddaughters life but now even her dad sees her she is thrilled to know she wasnt found under a rock she does have a mom and dad the dad cannot take care of her still at this time he agrees that she is fine where she is are court date is set for april 4 2014 are daughter closed the case last march due to hitting bottom once again her debt has caused a law suite for her she has a problem with lying over and over again to make things seem to be not as they are in my heart i feel this kind of situation for a child to be raised 7 plus yrs in a grandparents home should be allowed to stay and continue their life as is and i think if the courts expect a grandparent to set up and take responsiblity for their grandchildren had better think fast for a law or decision for this or the grandparents who have lived this will pass on this info and results will be more children in the system which is overflowing now thank you

[Donna Baker]

OK. Here's my question. Have been raising our grandchild for past four years. History-
Mom a drug addict/jail bird
Dad (not biological) on birth cert. and lived with her long enough to be binding.

Issue: Mom in jail, Dad absent for over 2 years, Dad remarried with "new" family moving out of the state.

Child wants to be adopted by us(she is 11). Mom not keen on the idea but "thinking" about it.

Mom broke the news about dad during an infrequent phone call from jail(not infrequent).

We have set rules on Mom seeing the child, must be drug free for 6 months out of jail.
Child idealizes Dad.

My question, should we tell her about Dad not being biological? He has never kept it a secret, first introduction to family, he announced that he was not the
Dad, much to my shock. We just haven't told her and am fearful that when she finds out, she will not understand.
Thoughts?

We have told her that adoption is an uphill fight and without Mom's consent could cause other issues. That she is OK the way things are, she knows she is safe and loved.

[Wm Kelley]

My story is not so unusual,I married my high school girl friend. We had a son, got divorced, tried it again and had another son. We then separated for good after the second son was born.
It's my second son who gave me a my wife of 2 years,(we've been sweethearts for 25 yrs.) a beautiful granddaughter in 2006.Elizabeth has always thought of Carmen(my wife) as grandma.Carmen has been there in her life from day one,from the day she came home from the hospital.
My son and his girlfriend did not work and my son was given custody.
Well my son did not quite know what he was in for and frankly can barely take care of his self. March of 2012 found him living in a camping trailer without electricity or running water. My wife and I took Liz in. We've tried to help my son several times in the past and he did not appreciate our efforts so we decided to let him let rough it for awhile in the hopes he would wake up and realize just what he had in this loving, bright child. To date he is still asleep.
As summer turned to fall and school was starting we found ourselves enrolling Liz in kindergarden, becoming parents, taking on all the responsibilities of parents. For my part I enjoy it. My wife though was not ready to take on the part of a full time mother. Do not get me wrong she has stepped up just fine. She is child less her self and never wanted kids. This is where the friction lies. Carmen is afraid we may have to raise Liz and eventually end up putting her thru college with all the expense that would entail. I can not turn, will not, turn Liz out or return her to my son till he can provide for her like she needs. At the same time I do not what to loose the relation and bond I have with my wife. Has anyone gone thru this, how did you handle it?

[Adelaida]

Thank for this post.I had to move near my daughter to take care of my 2 year old grandson.My daughter has to obtain her degree in curriculum and instruction .I support her in every way I can

[Karol]

I moved an hour away to be close to my daughter when she had her baby. After her 3 month leave I began caring for my little precious one. This is an experience of a lifetime for me. I have linked you back to my blog about the Boomers becoming Grandparents in a society where the family is so fragmented. I hope you enjoy reading it :)

[Jean]

Karen:
I am truly praying you will get strong enough to share 'the rest of the story with us.' I know it is heart breaking and you might want to talk to my friend Melinda at melindasfabricfancies.blogspot.
She recently lost her grandchildren after having them for many years!

[CurtissAnn]

Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I have tears in my eyes. My situation is far less desperate (I have one very high-spirited grandson, and help from his stable father.)yet I share the emotions you speak of. I often feel inadequate and overwhelmed. I have kept thinking I should be able to keep up with things better--in the past six months, we made a move to live closer to our son. About the time I got into the house, with my husband still at our old house in a different state, our grand's step-mom left. It was a shock. His mother never had been a mother, makes only occasional appearances. I am now the only mother he has ever really known. Thanks for your blog. You help me put things into perspective. We are blessed indeed.

[Karen Wright]

To harley1993rider:
Your email didn't come to me, so I couldn't email you directly. Your question is one you need to ask an attorney. But I would think if your son has joint physical and legal custody with you, he might be able to do just what you are asking about. If you would like to communicate with me further, you can email me directly. At least your grandson is 14 and not 4. To me that would be even harder. That is obviuosly my own personal opinion. Karen

[harley1993rider]

I am raising my grandson for 14 years. He was placed in my care at the age of 3 months due to child abuse. I have shared physical and legal custody with his father, who is my son. Last evening he said he wanted him to begin living with him. After 14 years of raising this child with special needs would his dad just be able to decide to pick him up and take him home?

[Pierre trudel]

Hi Karen, what a courageous story you have and must share. Their are great people out their and you and your husband are part of these.My wife and I have been married for 38 years with 3 children and 6 grandkids. We raised one of our little girls from grade 1 to grade 5 until we let our daughter assume full time care under our supervision.We have a story also and maybe someday we can share it with you.Obesity in chidren and grandchildren is our cause and that is why I send you this message. Who is taking care of the kids if grandparents like us don't? We are very conscerned.Keep up your great work.Pierre & Pierrette Montreal Canada.