Karen Best Wright, B.S. Community Health Education

OUR STORY

Quick update: We raised our granddaughters for almost 7 years before they went back to live with their mother. Below is the story that was written before they returned to their mother. How am I doing? Lonely. How are the children doing? I honestly do not know. My heart is broken, and I long for them everyday. But I know when they are grown, they will return to me. A foundation of  love was laid that can never be undone. And if it gets undone, then I guess I will just have to rebuild it when they are older.

My name is Karen. Stan and I were married in June 2002. I had one 16-year-old daughter still at home and grown children who lived in various parts of the country. I had been married for 22 years and divorced from my children's father for 9 years. Stan had been married for 16 years and divorced for 12 years. He had two sons, ages 28 and 16 who lived across the country.

Life looked exciting and rather simple. Stan had worked for the same company for 24 years, had a B.S. degree in business administration. I had gone back to college after my divorce and earned a B.S. degree in Community Health Education. I was self-employed and worked out of my home.

Stan and I had many common interests. They varied from Victorian and Colonial dancing to riding Stan's Harley-Davidson. Four months after getting married, I got a phone call. That phone call changed our lives tremendously. Within a few hours, we left and drove 24-hours straight through to Texas. We brought back with us 3 little girls, my granddaughters, ages 4, 2, and 2 months (The baby weighing less than 5 lbs. and on a heart monitor). After staying overnight at the hospital with the baby, to show I could take care of a premature infant, we packed up the children and within hours we were on our way home, having no idea how we were going to manage everything.

Before leaving Texas, my daughter (the children's mother) signed a notarized power of attorney authorizing us to make all needed decisions pertaining to medical and educational issues concerning the children. This was needed along with the children's birth certificates and social security cards to obtain many of the services they needed. The father was and still is incarcerated and is completely out of the picture.

The first day home, I went to social services and applied for Medicaid for the children. The baby needed to be followed by pediatric specialists as quickly as possible.  I called the schools to start the process to have the four-year-old tested for special services, and immediately called the pediatrician to schedule physicals and immunizations. I also went to the county health department to apply for WIC for the children. This provided the special formula the baby needed as well as help with milk, juice, cheese, and eggs for the other two little girls.

At first I was embarrassed to need help and use the WIC coupons, especially if the cashier didn't know how to process them properly and a line of people formed behind me. My mind was bombarded with thoughts such as, "This is so embarrassing. I should be able to feed my own grandkids." Yes, without the help they would still have been fed, but the assistance was definitely helpful.

It took me 5 months before I would even apply for assistance with daycare. I kept thinking I should be able to handle everything. I felt that I wasn't doing very well at anything. I had a hard time keeping up with the house and chores, my home-based business, creating time with my teenage daughter, and having any type of normal relationship with my husband. When I started feeling overwhelmed and down on myself for not doing better, I would stop and think, "Is there anyone at all that I personally know that could do this better than I am? I could not think of anyone. I could think of people who were more organized, more patient, healthier, and people who just seemed to have it all together. But when I stopped to actually think about how they would do if they were trying to do everything I was doing, I realized that I didn't think they would even do as well as I was. I remind myself of that often when I look at all the things I want to do and haven't figured out yet how to do them.

When we brought the children home, we did not have any extra bedrooms and we were very crowded, so the 2 little girls slept in our bedroom and we slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room with the baby next to us in a basket. Within a few months, we started an addition to our home and eventually moved into a larger home with plenty of room. My husband sold his Harley, and we purchased a mini-van, which we are enjoying immensely.

I often think of my great-grandmother and great-grandfather, Josephine and Peter Best. In the early 1900's, they raised 5 young grandchildren, the youngest an infant, after the tragic death of their son and daughter-in-law. Our own personal circumstances were not caused by death but perhaps just as stressful. Josephine and Peter were older than Stan and I when they raised their grandchildren. They were very poor living in central Florida; but I imagine they responded as we did without hesitation when the need arose.

When our own little granddaughters had been with us for eight months, my daughter finally recognized how manipulating and abusive her husband had been. She left the state of Texas and moved to a state closer to us. Finally after much frustration on all of our parts, hurt feelings, and too much money paid in legal fees, we came to an agreement. We finalized all the legal issues in court. We agreed that my husband, daughter, and I share joint legal custody, while my husband and I had sole physical custody.

The two youngest children have been with us for 6 years now. The oldest now lives with her mother.

Even with the love that we feel for and from these little girls, life can still be difficult at times. But mostly, life is good.

Many things have changed over the years, but many things are still the same.

Comments

[Judy]

I’ve written a nonfiction book about deployment and the effects is has on the lives of the caregivers left at home. This is a very timely topic that many can relate to – particularly grandparents who are often asked to care for the children of their deployed child. We are not only responsible for the safety and welfare of our grandchild(ren), but have to deal with worrying about the safety of our sons and daughters as well. I would love your help in getting information out about this important topic.

It’s a funny (sometimes very funny), sad and heartwarming story of inspiration; many in the military community who have read it are raving about it, saying that it’s a book you’ll want to read over and over…especially when you may be feeling down. Some claim that they haven’t laughed and cried over a single book in a very long time!

Although I reside in southern California, and the interest in my story extends beyond the military community; following is one such comment from a writer in Texas who is doing a story on me and my book: "Your story is just amazing. I think what you went through and overcame appeals to every member of society, not just the military community. I admire you for how you took care of your grandson despite all you were going through (his pictures are absolutely PRECIOUS, by the way!). It really touched me when I read the part about you changing diapers with one arm and sometimes your teeth. Not only were you grieving the separation from your children, but you were having to be brave and strong for your grandson while enduring so many personal issues. Like I said, I just can't wait to read it, and I am more than happy you ran across my column and contacted me. Many people will never think about the sacrifice of the caregivers of those who are deployed, single parents or for double deployments, such as in your case, until they read your book."

Another came from a writer in Seattle who wrote:"What is so inspiring about Judy's story is the "overcoming." It epitomizes what has and what will continue to make this country great. Judy faced personal challenges in her marriage, in her finances, not to mention learning that both her daughter and son-in-law were deploying - and she stepped up. Judy, you truly are an inspiration to many."

You can read about my story and the great responses it’s been receiving (on the Press/Reviews page) at www.ReportingForDoodie.com. You can also read the first chapter on the site, that details my epiphany to write the book.

Please let me know if you can help get the word out. Thanks in advance!

P.S. I am actually “Reporting for Doodie” right now, as my daughter and son-in-law have both been deployed to Afghanistan…here we go again!

[Jean]

Karen:
I am truly praying you will get strong enough to share 'the rest of the story with us.' I know it is heart breaking and you might want to talk to my friend Melinda at melindasfabricfancies.blogspot.
She recently lost her grandchildren after having them for many years!

[CurtissAnn]

Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I have tears in my eyes. My situation is far less desperate (I have one very high-spirited grandson, and help from his stable father.)yet I share the emotions you speak of. I often feel inadequate and overwhelmed. I have kept thinking I should be able to keep up with things better--in the past six months, we made a move to live closer to our son. About the time I got into the house, with my husband still at our old house in a different state, our grand's step-mom left. It was a shock. His mother never had been a mother, makes only occasional appearances. I am now the only mother he has ever really known. Thanks for your blog. You help me put things into perspective. We are blessed indeed.

[Karen Wright]

To harley1993rider:
Your email didn't come to me, so I couldn't email you directly. Your question is one you need to ask an attorney. But I would think if your son has joint physical and legal custody with you, he might be able to do just what you are asking about. If you would like to communicate with me further, you can email me directly. At least your grandson is 14 and not 4. To me that would be even harder. That is obviuosly my own personal opinion. Karen

[harley1993rider]

I am raising my grandson for 14 years. He was placed in my care at the age of 3 months due to child abuse. I have shared physical and legal custody with his father, who is my son. Last evening he said he wanted him to begin living with him. After 14 years of raising this child with special needs would his dad just be able to decide to pick him up and take him home?

[Pierre trudel]

Hi Karen, what a courageous story you have and must share. Their are great people out their and you and your husband are part of these.My wife and I have been married for 38 years with 3 children and 6 grandkids. We raised one of our little girls from grade 1 to grade 5 until we let our daughter assume full time care under our supervision.We have a story also and maybe someday we can share it with you.Obesity in chidren and grandchildren is our cause and that is why I send you this message. Who is taking care of the kids if grandparents like us don't? We are very conscerned.Keep up your great work.Pierre & Pierrette Montreal Canada.