Once upon a time there was a grandmother

By Karen Best Wright, www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com

Once upon a time there was a grandmother with two grandchildren who she loved to dote on. However, the grandchildren's mother (her daughter) had severe problems. She had mental health problems, which drove her into alcohol and drug addictions. Regardless, this young mother loved her children very much. But she was a mess, and she knew it. She cried as she recognized her inability to care properly for her children. Whenever she thought her life was improving, her mental illness would worsen and she returned to abusing alcohol and drugs. Her heart would break as she saw the affect she had on her little children. She turned to her mother, the children's grandmother, to raise the children. Her love for her children and appreciation to her mother for taking over her role as her children's mother was often expressed. Her mental illness and drug abuse had miraculously not hindered her love and appreciation for her mother and recognizing the sacrifices the grandmother was making.

The story above is fiction, at least for most grandmothers raising grandchildren. The other day I was speaking with a grandmother who had raised grandchildren for several years before she was court ordered to send them back to the mother who had literally abandoned them on her doorstep. This grandmother said to me, "Why is it that we sacrifice, use up all of our money, and give up everything we have and then WE are the bad ones?" I am sure there must be exceptions, but rarely does a grandmother who is raising grandchildren get thank you's, sincere appreciation, and "I love you so much for what you are doing."

If grandmothers expect that they are going to live the fiction story above, they most likely will be severely disappointed and depressed. We must remember that we are not doing what we are doing for Thank You's and Appreciation.

Not only are grandmothers not likely to get Thank You's and Appreciation from the grandchildren's parents, they are likely to be treated with disdain for "stealing" someone's children, or criticized for not doing a good enough job due to exhaustion.

The criticism and disdain from those who should be most grateful can be extremely hurtful to the grandmother. It might cause her to feel very resentful and angry at the situation. However, an important point I want to make is when we allow ourselves to be resentful and angry, we are only heaping more pain onto ourselves.

Last night I was listening to a Teleseminar by Wayne Allen and Jon Polmar. One of them made an analogy that really got me thinking. They were talking about owning your own feelings and not blaming them on someone else, "So and So MADE me feel this way." When someone else insults us, accuses us, and is rude to us, we do not have to accept it and hurt over the insults anymore than we have to stab ourselves if someone hands us a knife. A knife creates a very strong visualization in my mind. If someone was trying to hurt me and handed me a knife, I would not oblige them by stabbing myself, so why do I oblige people by letting their words hurt?

I am really going to try and remember this analogy, and I hope all of you grandmothers out there who may have experienced hurt from others will remember this analogy of the knife as well. It doesn't exactly feel like something easy to do but certainly worth trying.

Karen Wright, B.S. Community Health Education
Grandmother raising grandchildren
www.RaisingYourGrandchildren.com
www.BlogforHealthyLiving.com
www.SeniorPro.com

Comments

[Kathy]

I also have been caring for my grandson for the past 4 months he is 16 months old, my daughter had him when she was 17. Before she had him i went throu hell with her, she was on drugs, then when she became pregnant she got clean for the pregancy. For almost a year i had my daughter back, and a beautiful grandson living with me. Then she moved in with the babys father, and the two of them started back into the drugs. They broke up after 2 months and my daughter moved into low income housing with the baby. At times i suspected things weren't right with her, and a few times she had a melt down and said that she was going to give up the baby. Then we started to notice changed with him, we would have him on weekends, and he didn't want to go back to him mom. After on weekend he was hystearical when we tried to return him to his mom, i got into a fight with her asking her what was wrong with him. At 1am she called me to come and get him she was afraid she would hurt him he had been crying for hours. When i got there she admitted the drug us, neglect, etc. I have had him since then, one week after him first birthday. She left him in his crib for hours crying, high chair for 3 hours, skipped his meals, let him fall down the stairs. When she comes over to she him we have trouble with him for days, and my gut tells me she did more to him. To make him scared of her, i really wish that i knew.

[Trisha Alling]

I have felt this pain and resentment many time.. I thought that I was helping my daughter to take care of her son.. she had him when she was younger.. I believe that she has depression issues maybe bipolar..Well anyway she has to realize she needs help before anyone can help her.

The story goes as I was babysitting for her son, I get a knock on the door aNd it was that police. Many things ran through my mind, was my daughter in an accident, was she dead-- why are the police at my door..as the officer spoke he said that my daughter had told them that I would not give her son to her.. ALL I WAS DOING WAS BABYSITTING.. I informed the police of the situation..They stated that she wanted the baby and his things... I was so angry, more hurt than anything that my daughter thought she had to bring the police to my home... I told the police that she may have her son and that I never told her that she couldn't have him...but I was not allowing her to take his things.. that I had paid for everything and they were staying with me... Well she took her son and a diaper bag that was full of formula, diapers and a few outfits.. I still don't know what caused that action, but I was so hurt that my daughter who was so close to me had changed, maybe she was doing drugs, depressed I really don't know she still has not told me why..

Another time the same thing happened.. My daughter had asked t move back in I told her that she would have to get a job.. Well she did..she meant a new guy who I thought was very nice guy...then a few weeks later THE POLICE ARE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR..OH NO NOT AGAIN...She had informed them that I was keeping her son against her will and she wanted him and his things.... I WAS SO SHOCKED, THIS WASN'T HAPPENING AGAIN...I let her take him and a few of his things (again I had went out and bought him new clothes, diapers, shoes ...)as I have no control over his custody...I was so hurt I really began to literally cut up all of her clothing, throwing anything out that was hers, my husband kept telling me that I was going to regret my action, which I did, but I had finally lost control..I then got on the computer, telephone, dropped by her friends, to find out what was happening...I was then told by friends that she was going to Alabama to make a new life with this guy she had just met.. and that she was pregnant again by he previous boyfriend that she has been going back and forth with for that last 5 years...I JUMPED INTO MY CAR AND STARTED DRIVING FROM IL TO AL TO GET MY GRANDSON,MY HUSBAND SAID YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT CITY HE IS IN...BUT ON MY WAY I WENT... I had a team of people trying to contact her and was finally able to get a city and street address and was informed that my daughter wanted to come home that she was in fear of their lives..(I was very afraid foR them) contacted the local police and gave them the names of the men and address that they were at.. the police informed me that her new boyfriend had a warrant out for her arrest and thy would meet us at the location... I was so thankful that when I got my grandson into my car, he was safe....My daughter also came home to be with her previous boyfriend..we came home to IL and she moved back in with him...after the I she was resentful at me and kept my grandson away from me for months (he thought I left him again) When I seen him months later it took him a while to even come to me... I was so sad that this little boy would not come to me after all of the love I had given him... what was he thinking?? That I did not care for him... my heart was broken (I AM CRYING WHILE I AM REMEMBERING THIS) He finally came to me and I will never forget the love that I felt... He has been with me ever since..I will never let him go... This child is my responsibility.. I am now his mother really loves him-to have let him go... DOES SHE APPRECIATE THAT FACT THAT I AM RAISING HER SON....TEACHING HIM RIGHT FROM WRONG, PLAYING WITH HIM, TAKING HIM TO THE DOCTOR, DOING WHAT A PARENT SHOULD BE DOING....I DON'T KNOW... BUT I GET UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM HIM AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS...

[Susan Adcox]

My heart does go out to all of you grandparents raising grandchildren. You may not get much appreciation from the younger generation, but other grandparents, even those who are not in your situation, know a tiny bit of the sacrifices you are making. We also groan after playing too hard with the grandkids and wonder what happened to the pantry after the grandkids visit. We just don't deal with these events on a daily basis.
I like the knife analogy very much. No matter what situation we're in, everyone occasionally has to deal with hurtful comments. That's an excellent way to defuse them.